A Rainbow Announcement
A personal post, and one that comes with so many emotions. The begging of this story starts in September of 2015.I was pregnant, 7 weeks, and bleeding.
My midwife went above and beyond for our care. Ultrasounds, medical care, honesty, and love. I had an ultrasound or two and at the last one I got to see our little baby and it's precious little heart beat. It was a beautiful sight to see after going through the scary process of bleeding during pregnancy. I went in for more blood work to check levels of all kinds, trying to stay optimistic. That night I went to bed with hope, but woke up to devastation. I knew. The cramping was intense, and exactly like early labor cramps and contractions. I was miscarrying. You read and hear about how common it is, but you never really grasp the reality of it until it happens to you. I just saw my babes heart beating, and now my little baby is no more. I was truly devastated. I had so much guilt of flushing my tiny child down the toilet, that I decided to save it's remains, and bury them like I would any other human. The size of a blueberry or 6ft tall, it was the start of life that ended too soon. I went in to my midwifes office for another ultrasound, and it was empty. My baby was gone and I was to carry on. Sadness and lots of tears, I looked at my three babies in a new light. I saw them with a new appreciation for what and who they are, and how amazing their little lives truly are. My mother was the most supportive person through the rest of the process, and always encouraged me not to give up and try again one day...
Fast forward to February 16th, 2016.
The morning of February 17th started like any other. Until the officers knocked on my door.
My parents were killed in a head on collision car accident the night before.
My world flipped upside down.
I was shaking, I was sobbing, I collapsed.
That story is one I will share, but at a later time when I'm ready to talk about it.
I didn't sleep for a week. I drank my pain away. I forced myself to eat at least somewhat of a meal a day. I was totally numb and living on auto-pilot. I cried alone, I put on a fake strong face to everyone else, I was in an extremely dark place. The funeral was what really made it sink in and shake the shock away a bit. (when the officer played taps.... destroyed me.) My parents. The two people in the world that loved me in such a way that no other person could. They were my support, the ones I ran to for comfort and love. The reason for who I am. My parents... were gone.
The day after their funeral I flew home only to leave immediately for a birth. I drove home for my camera bag and turned right back around to head out. My nerves and emotions shot, I went back on auto-pilot and drove with our midwife to the birth. On the way there I mentioned how while I was on the plane home, I had a moment of realization that I should probably have started my cycle, but hadn't. It was stress, surely. After the birth ( and after midnight) my midwife and I were driving home, I made a pit stop with her to go get a pregnancy test just to make sure... I was pregnant. It was an INSANE rollercoaster of emotions! I was terrified, what if I miscarry again? There was no way I could handle another loss. What if I harmed my baby from the week and a half of extreme emotions, drinking, not sleeping, eating? What have I done? What will I do? Why can't I call and tell my mom? My midwife was my solace. She was there for me in so many ways, as a midwife, friend, and as family to me. We did every precaution to keep this pregnancy going, and that ultrasound of seeing a healthy baby and heart beat with NO bleeding, really set in that I was having this baby.
Not only was this a rainbow baby (a baby following a loss of another baby) this baby was coming after the loss of my parents. This baby saved me from myself. There is no telling what would have happened if I wasn't pregnant. My due date is November 7th.
If you do the math and know how conception and pregnancy weeks work.... YEAH.
This tiny little blessing of a soul was created February 16th. Let that sink in for a minute, it's okay, it knocked me back, too.
I like to think my mom had something to do with it in a way.
Despite my new life of living without my parents, adjusting, depression, anxiety, pregnancy hormones, I am thankful that I have this baby for so many reasons.
"A rainbow baby is a baby born following the loss of a baby. It is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravage of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that we are not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may sitll hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy, and hope. Sunshine after rain, calm after the storm, joy after sadness, peace after pain, and love after loss"